Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
