I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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