I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
