Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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