Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
