I feel great
I just peed on a car
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
