I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
