I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
