this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize