He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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