Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
