god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
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