My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
