So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
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