i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
