I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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