Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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