if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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