Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
