You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
