Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
