I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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