there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
