I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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