Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
