You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
