I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
