Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
ttyl tear gas
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
