If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
