is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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