Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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