Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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