Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
