Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
