We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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