I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
