When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
