So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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