I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
