I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The uberlube is also flammable
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
