i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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