I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He passed out mid-signature
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
where are you?
Hypothermia
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
