Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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