Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
