Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
