watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She told me I should be a condom model.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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