I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
