i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
