he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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