your parents love me but you hate me
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just googled if crying burns calories
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
