i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
