So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
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i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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