R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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