someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
