I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I smell like Dick and happiness
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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