i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
