Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
