my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
