I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
