i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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