I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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