I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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